Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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