Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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