Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
