nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
