I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize