I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Even my vagina gasped.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
