hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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