that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Operation Purity has been aborted
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
