I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
