My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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