guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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