Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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