Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
