I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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