pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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