what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
