It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
