I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize