My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
