someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
