got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
