He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
