you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
