I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
