The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
