he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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