I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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