there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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