Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize