You're completely useless in the revolution.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
