masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
