We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
