There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
