I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my phone needs a breathalizer
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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