I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
