I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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