So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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