2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
wanna go halves on a baby?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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