I'm so fucking centered right now
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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