Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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