I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
