They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
