if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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