If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
