girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
