If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
