If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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