You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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