so that wasnt chicken after all
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
