I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
