Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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