is your mom at the bar?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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