singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
