can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
