Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
