I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
