I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
