if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize