dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
