Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
We need to rekindle our bromance
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Randomize
