It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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