I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize